RAT LABber Claire Reay's 8 tips for communicating with people with different views to yours
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Shout-out to anyone who is feeling deeply impacted by the state of the world right now. We're all feeling it on a level we haven't noticed for a while. With so many vital topics competing for media attention (or desperately trying to avoid media attention, as the case may be), we’ve noticed in our community that post-traumatic stress activation seems to be coming from all directions, whatever the original source of our traumas.
With so much in the air, so many different points of view and so much at stake for so many, some might imagine that it would be almost impossible to hold a space for survivors with a broad range of life experiences without fierce arguments breaking out. And they could be forgiven for thinking so. When you live with post-traumatic stress, your nervous system can always be on the look-out for anything at all that is certain. So when someone challenges your world view, the debate is far from academic. It can shake the very ground under your feet.
And yet, we are struck at every session by how much grace the survivors we meet show each other - and it absolutely isn't because everyone always agrees on everything. We like to think that the culture we’ve built through our working principles, our balance of self- and community-reflection, and our normalisation of being present with challenging feelings without shame, has something to do with that. But really, most of the credit has to go to the survivors themselves, and depth of compassion they show in making space for each others’ needs even while scrambling on a daily basis for our own.
As we prepare to welcome people to our next RAT LAB workshops this Saturday, we’re looking back at the tips that Claire Reay shared with us last month on how to have healthy conversations with people with whom you don't always agree. This was a session she was trialing as part of her 'Commonalities' project, looking to help people to celebrate what they have in common rather than what divides them. We had a lot of fun practising these techniques in conversations about the tamest of “controversial” topics. Maybe you’ll find them helpful next time you can feel yourself getting in a fight, too - whether about something serious, or about whether or not pineapple belongs on a pizza.
Prepare yourself.
Not as in, prepare your argument - truly prepare yourself. Charge your batteries. Practice self-care. Visualise yourself being loved, respected and valued, even if that's not what you're being shown in the moment.
Research from Exeter University in 2014 showed that, when people looked at photographs of others being cared for, their brains’ reactions to perceived threat reduced significantly. This isn't about duping yourself into a false sense of security: it's about creating the calm that can give you perspective on what's happening (and what isn't).
Have an exit strategy.
Rehearse it, if that would be helpful. Predictability and control reduce the body's physical stress responses. You might not need it, but having a default if you get stuck in a loop or feel yourself losing composure, can bring you peace and avoid fruitless battles.
How can you set a boundary on a topic, while showing you aren't totally closing the door on the whole person? Something like, “I don't think either of us is likely to shift much on [X], so it wouldn't be productive to keep talking about it. But I’d love to hear what you think about [Y]?” can work well: find something that fits your voice.
Assume good intentions.
Hearing something that offends our world view can feel deeply personal, but it often (perhaps even most of the time) isn't intended as a personal attack. Most of us probably know how rotten it feels when we find out that somebody has experienced pain because of something we have said - and when we didn't intend to hurt them, it's easy to get defensive and fail to learn from it if we're punished for it as if we did.
Rather than saying “You made me feel [X]” or “What you said made me feel [X], can you get into the habit of saying “When you said [Y], I felt [X]”? Then allow the other person to speak. Working out of intentions and differences in understanding can help you both learn and strengthen your bond.
And, if you find yourself on the other side of one of these conversations, you can say sorry if you want to and/or it feels welcome - but how about also saying, “thank you for telling me”? It acknowledges the effort the person has gone to in taking ownership of challenging feelings, and the respect they have for you in investing energy into improving your understanding of each other.
Be nice!
Or if you can't be nice, at least be civil. With debates about really sensitive, nuanced topics increasingly happening via the snappy formats of social media, we could easily get sucked into the habit of taking a dig at anyone who disagrees with us. But people won't open their minds to your point of view if you try to make them feel stupid for theirs. The closest you might get to that is them pretending to fall in line with you out of fear of being humiliated by you if they don't - and, what does that really achieve?
Remind yourself that it isn't about you.
Meeting someone who seems to see night when you see day, red when you see blue, up when you see down, has the potential to be exciting. Isn't that why we love stories so much, whether on stage, in a book, around a campfire or on Netflix: the opportunity to see the world through another pair of eyes?
But when it's a world in which we have to live, and to survive, those of us who haven't had the chance to develop healthy adjustment instincts can find ourselves worrying: do I exist in this version of the world? Do I matter in this version of the world? What about the people I love - are they there, are they OK?
Don't get us wrong: if someone is actively promoting hate or exclusion of a whole group of people, purely for who they are, that isn't acceptable. But, simply holding a different viewpoint isn't a personal attack. Try to step back for a moment and listen to the words that are actually being said, in the context in which they are being said. You may be surprised (and in a good way this time).
Look inward.
This might sound like the exact opposite of point 5, and in some ways it is: yes, we have to look out and in all at once. No wonder survivors are tired all the time, right?
Some people associate looking inward with navel gazing, and plenty of us have heard people dismissing therapy as something that makes us self-obsessed. But self-awareness isn't just about ourselves in a vacuum: it's about ourselves among, and as distinct from, others.
Why does this person bother you so much? What biases or assumptions are you yourself carrying in this interaction? Are you being reminded of previous painful interactions in different contexts? Do they remind you of someone else, or of your least favourite parts of yourself?
Being able to identify and have grace with yourself for your own instances of narrow-mindedness, clumsiness or presumption (and you definitely will have instances of that - because we all do), makes you a model that gives others permission to see theirs, too.
Celebrate passion.
Strongly held opinions can feel intimidating when they are not your own, or when you don't have as much confidence about your opinion as someone else. But, think about a time when you have met someone who believes in what you believe in, and would do anything for that cause.
What did you like, or admire, or respect, or in some way value about that person? Did they have a clarity that you envied? Were they led by integrity? Did they have a huge amount of compassion, feel deeply, give generously, abound with energy?
Chances are, the person in front of you with a strongly held opinion that you happen not to share has many of those qualities, too. You don't have to let them change your mind, but you can show them that you see and admire their great qualities. If you can bear to, you could ask them questions about how they reached their conclusions, show real interest in the person behind the politics. They may be so used to being vilified or idolised that they themselves have forgotten where the one starts and the other stops.
Find common ground.
The scientists in the room will undoubtedly roll their eyes when we mention the old “humans share 50% of the same DNA as bananas and 98% of the same DNA with chimps” adage - yes, we know it's not quite as simple as that. And we know that the fact that you and the person you disagree with also has to eat, drink, sleep and excrete doesn't automatically mean there has to be a way for you to be best friends. But surely, right at the very core, there must be some kernel of the universal in any human experience, if you care to look for it?
Or, if you don't have the energy for going that deep, maybe you both love penguins, or know all the words to every ABBA song, or found the last vote on Strictly disappointing. Any in is an in.
Want to find out more about how Claire is aiming to bring people together, and be kept in the loop about how you can get involved? Drop her a message on commonalitieslab@gmail.com: it's about time we started celebrating what unites us, rather than griping about what divides us.
(Don't let her into your head, though: whatever she says, The Princess Bride is one of the greatest films of all time.)
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This Saturday, Alain and Sahar will be up, leading their second R&D sessions, and would absolutely love your input.
First, Alain will share extracts of the second poem in his trilogy, giving two very different tellings of the same events - then explore with us how to depict different memories of the same thing onstage.
Then, Sahar will work with us to explore what a journey out of silence might look like - and how the body that has been forced into stillness can find movements that free the voice.
2-5pm at Old Diorama Arts Centre, Saturday 28th March. Tell us you're coming if you like, but you don't have to: we'll love to see you.
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